Create a Clear and Inspiring Vision of What You Want

By admin | May 6, 2013

You must start with desire, keeping in mind that with the magic of believing you can obtain what you picture in your mind’s eye.
– Claude M. Bristol

Many midlife women have lost the hope, excitement and joy associated with finding true love.  It’s easy to let past disappointments, hurts and experiences cloud the vision of what you really want.

A friend of mine said that at one time she had an inspiring vision of what she really desired in a relationship and the qualities she wanted in a man.  Now, however, she would settle for someone who was employed and breathing.

We had a good laugh, but it really was a little discouraging.

When was the last time your vision of your ideal relationship/partner made you smile with joy?

One of the benefits of finding love a little later in life is that you know yourself better and have a clear idea of what is most important to you.  You know what qualities you would most appreciate and value and what you consider to be essential.  This is a great gift of wisdom that midlife women can use to their advantage.

There are different schools of thought on making a list of the qualities you most want in a relationship or partner.  Some people will say you have to be “realistic” and no man on earth will have all of those qualities.

My opinion is that most women are already willing to compromise on things that are “non-essential, non-negotiables.”

I once heard it said that “most women are very realistic, if not critical, about their looks, while most men think they are just a few sit-ups away from being with Cindy Crawford (or insert other supermodel name here).”

While it may be true that there are a few women who have completely unrealistic expectations, my experience in working with midlife women is that the greater danger is the temptation to settle for less than they deserve.

About 18 months before I met my adorable husband Benjamin, I took a big, poster-size piece of paper and various colors of sticky notes and wrote down all of the qualities that I most wanted in my ideal mate.  In a way,  it was kind of a low tech vision board of my ideal mate. I did not filter for “realism”, I just let myself dream.  Most of what I listed were the personal, spiritual, and qualities of character I most wanted in a man.

I listed what I wanted in a positive way.  For example, I said “honest” rather than “does not lie”; I said “faithful” rather than “does not cheat”.  You get the idea.  I got clear about what was most important to me.  I felt inspired and happy even though I had no idea how, when or if I would ever be blessed to meet such a man.  I put this under my bed and would take it out and put another sticky note on it when I thought of something else that was really important to me.  There were times I forgot about it for several months at a time.

Believe it or not, my husband Benjamin, whom I had not even met when I did this exercise,  has almost every quality and characteristic I listed.  I consider it to be an absolute miracle!

I invite you to create an inspiring vision of what you really want in love and in your ideal partner.  Have fun!  Dream big!  Get inspired!

One of the great benefits to getting clear and creating an inspiring vision of what you really want is that it can motivate you into action.  You may realize there are some things you need to do in order to attract the kind of man you want.  You may decide to go to a party or attend an event where you have an opportunity to meet new people.  You may decide to upgrade your wardrobe, image or hairstyle.  You may lose a few pounds.  You may spend more time devoted to what makes you most joyful and happy.

I have heard it said that one of the main reasons many people don’t achieve their goals is that the end result of achieving the goal is not “big enough” to inspire them.  I invite you to make your vision “big enough” to inspire you.

Dust off your dream and have some fun!

Show Yourself Some Kindness

A woman becomes almost irresistibly attractive when she radiates love, confidence, happiness and joy.  In order to do this authentically, we must be feeling good about ourselves inside.  The challenge is that sometimes after life has taken its’ toll on us we do not feel wonderful about ourselves. We can feel overwhelmed, stressed out and even competitive.  We may even feel withdrawn and protective of ourselves instead of expansive and loving.

Believe me ladies, I get it.  I’ve been there.

I remember being in a singles group about a decade ago.  There were two women there who were sisters.  For some reason, the men just seemed to find these women irresistible.  I observed them and it was a bit of a mystery to me.  They were well groomed and it was obvious they took good care of themselves.  However, they were not exceptionally beautiful, did not have perfect figures, nor did they seem to have the most dynamic personalities.  Yet, the men were at their feet and were falling over each other to ask them out.  I was a bit puzzled by this phenomenon.  I wanted to figure out what they had that created such interest in the men.

After observing them for some time, I realized that these ladies exuded confidence.  They believed that they had something wonderful to offer and placed great value upon themselves.  This confidence came across not as conceit, but as a very attractive quality.  Because they felt so good about themselves, they seemed to radiate happiness and joy.

I never knew them very well, but it seemed that because they had so much confidence  they were able to take an active interest in other people.  They were more focused on being “interested” than “interesting”.  Because they loved themselves in a healthy way, they were more able to love others.

They were very feminine women in the way they dressed and groomed themselves.  They seemed to genuinely like men and were very receptive to them.  They smiled and laughed often when men talked to them.  They seemed to know how to flirt and how to turn on that feminine charm.  Not in a phony or manipulative way, but in a sincere and joyful way. It was intriguing to watch them do what seemed to come so naturally for them.

I have to confess that at this time in my life I was not feeling great about myself and I felt somewhat intimidated by these women.

In subsequent years, I learned that taking excellent care of myself increases my confidence.  When I nurture myself, it helps me to have more to give to others.  It is easy for women to give so much to others that we deplete ourselves.  While serving and helping others can make us feel wonderful, it is also essential for us to take care of ourselves.  It is important to make time to do those things that make us feel nurtured and joyful so that our feminine qualities can shine through.

By taking excellent care of ourselves, we are modeling how we want and expect others to treat us.  Dr. Phil says “we teach other people how to treat us.”

When I trained as a coach at Coach U, there was a course called “Personal Foundation”.
One of the exercises was called “10 Daily Habits.” The idea was to list 10 “delightful or delicious” things that you would do each day for yourself.  Things that would make you feel wonderful and cared for.

Some of mine were:

*listening to music that made my heart sing
*engaging in at least 15 minutes of prayer and meditation
*reading something inspiring each day
*eating at least 3 servings of fruits and vegetables
*saying something kind to myself
*going  for a walk
*reconnecting with a friend

I invite you to experiment with this.  It has the potential to increase the love and joy in your life right now!  Start showing yourself some extra kindness today.  Invite more love and joy into your life right now.  Don’t wait for someone else to provide this kind of nurturing for you.

If you want to explore this in more detail or would like some support, please request your “Love Your Life, Find Your Love” complimentary exploratory session by emailing me at michelle@lovelifecoaching or completing this brief form:


P.S.   “Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
–Stacey Charter

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